I think I died a long time ago.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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