Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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