Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
