i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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