You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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