I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
