Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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