I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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