I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
