I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
