Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
