why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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