I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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