remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
