Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Randomize
