When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
