Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Randomize