did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
You've changed since you got that strap on
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I'm really busy with my period
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