Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
