I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
