last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
We need to get me chipped asap
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
