i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
