checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
where does the pee come out of this thing
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
