this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize