Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
