I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
