I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Just pee around me
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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