remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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