So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Randomize
