This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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