I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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