a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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