i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
