My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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