i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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