Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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