i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
But theres a keg here and me gusta
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
