I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
