Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
