It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
