We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
