I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
