Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
