I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
