I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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