She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
