When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
