I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
