My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
