I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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