Non-Jews are for practice
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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