they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
