My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
