He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
