I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
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